Today I had coffee with my mom.
For the last 18 months I slipped away from sharing this blog but I can tell you that I have learned MORE in the past 18th months than I ever could have imagined and its quite possibly the greatest blessing I could have ever received. I have decided that there is too much to share NOT to share…
Before kids I used to drive to my parents house on Saturday mornings and have coffee with my mom. I also showed up at their house all the time just to be near her. I talked to her on the phone 3-4 times a day. It always started around 8:00 in the morning. Even Matt got so used to the calls that even he “knew” when it was Trudy calling ME on the other end.
4 years ago this day my dad called me at sunrise to tell me that she had passed. I remember that morning drive back to the hospital for the very last time like it was yesterday. I honestly thought I was going to have a few more days left with her. I even thought it was possible I would have a couple of weeks left with her. It was surreal to think that she really was no longer alive and I couldn’t begin to imagine what I was going to see for the very last time. As much as I raced to get there I remember walking in as if my feet were attached to the cement. As I walked closer to her room the staff had placed a blue butterfly on her doorframe to notify those around her of her passing.
When I walked in- she took my breath away.
There she was. She was still. She was asleep. She was gone.
As I cried out loud “ohhh mom……” I sat down next to her, I weeped and wrapped my arms around what was left of the warmth in her body for the very last time.
More often than not I feel like only a part of me is really present on this earth since her death because my world has continued to get jolted around. There is no other way to describe it other than being tossed around in the middle of the ocean. Fortunately I made the choice to swim towards the shoreline and when it was in sight, I was also able to realize that by trusting in God and by trusting the journey, I was provided with an anchor. This continually keeps me from getting swept back to sea and losing sight of the shoreline. Along the way, there have been at least a dozen people who inevitably were meant to cross my path during this time in my life. Each one of them has thrown me a life preserver when the waves got choppy and encouraged me to keep swimming. Some days the waters are rough and other days they are as smooth as glass.
Peaceful, calming and still.
Those are the days I can catch my breath and recapture my strength so I can continue to swim.
I plan on sharing more about what I’ve learned because I whole-heartedly believe in sharing with the universe much like it has shared with me. It has been nothing like I ever could have imagined. But, I continue to trust that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
Today, I had coffee with my mom.