I was lucky I was there the moment my mom was intubated. She went from slurring, walking into the emergency room with the help of my dad and I to the point where doctors were scrambling around her and asking her if they could put her on life support.

WHAT?????? Asking HER???

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?????

Gasping for air and unable to speak- her eyes were so big and crying for help but she had no voice. My dad took some steps back in the room as the doctors continued to scramble around her. No one was answering the doctors. This was the first I ever knew about a DNR.

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Very disrespectfully, I began yelling AT the doctors.

SAVE HER!!!! You HAVE to save her!!!! What are you waiting for??????

I was BEGGING them to help her and screaming “she can’t breathe!” Still unable to decide, I continued to yell, “she can’t breathe!”

…..what were we supposed to do I asked later? Just stand there and watch her die right there and then? Right in front of us AND DO NOTHING???? Suffer through every last breath?

….it wasn’t peaceful.

It was horrific.

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I’m glad the doctors moved forward with the decision to intubate. Even though I went back and forth about it for years questioning that she suffered when it could have ended much faster. It was a quick decision. Doctors and nurses save lives….Within 3 hours, talking with a slight slur to intubation. It was so fast.

I’ve told this story before to different people. I’ve talked about it at length in therapy sessions. I had many discussions with my dad and the doctors. The details surrounding a patient in this condition are horrific. Honestly.

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My only goal while she was in this condition was to help ease her comfort and bring her peace. I read scripture. I prayed with her. I told people who were too loud or eating in front of her to get the hell out of her room. I rubbed her feet with lotion. Her hands with lotion. I washed her hair. I sang to her. We laughed together. We cried together. I kept telling her she could do it. I kept telling her to rest her head in Gods hands. We did reiki. I had a cross blessed for us. We looked at pictures. I kept telling her I loved her. She didn’t want to die.

She didn’t want to leave this earth. To be honest though- who REALLY does?

No one WANTS to die.

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A patient under “normal” healthcare circumstances is given TIME. Time to improve. TIME for family to visit. TIME to adjust. TIME. But there are deadlines. The horrible act of removing the fluids daily from the tubes so the patient doesn’t get worse with pneumonia ALONE is enough to make you lose your mind DURING THIS TIME. And CRY. For them. The agony and pain. YOU CRY- FOR THEM. For your loss. Because it’s coming. You are losing them. It’s horrible. It’s inevitable. AND the patient HAS to show SOME improvements…..BECAUSE The alternative?

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The best thing I honestly think we can do right now because we cannot BUY time…. is to embrace the time. Do things YOU love. Work on YOU. Be YOU. Love on whoever is the only one allowed to be with you. In your quarantine. Love on them. There are no deadlines. THEY are whats most important. There is no time that you can measure because NO ONE KNOWS. There are no answers to this.

Looking for answers is just wasting YOUR time. Wasting the TIME you could be giving to the quarantined around you.

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There is only one thing that really gives me PEACE looking back on that time. It’s not having ANY REGRET ….

in that time or the time I had leading up to it that I had to surround myself with HER. To just BE with her. With my dad. That’s all I ever wanted anyways. Regret could possibly be the only thing more agonizing than the intubation machine itself.

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Looking back on your life and what you did and knowing you gave it the best shot you could under the circumstances. It’s NOT going to be perfect. Lower the bar. It doesn’t have to be perfect- no one is perfect. You just have to BE. Embrace the TIME and Just BE.

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Knowing you could have changed something or prevented something is a hard thing to live with. Wake up giving it the best you can and at the end of the day knowing you did the best you could. If it isn’t good enough THAT is not anyone else’s position to judge. Don’t judge yourself up against others and turn away from judgement. You can let that go, too.

Tomorrow isn’t a promise for anyone and yesterday you cannot go back to.

Stay in the present because…. well you know how the saying goes-

it’s a GIFT.

XO