Monthly Archives: May 2020

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Pivot

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I LEGIT never ever thought I would ever ever live anywhere other than Rochester, New York.

To this point;

I told my now husband when we were 20 years old and met in the Philadelphia airport that “this would probably not work out”.

He was from”Boston” and my home town was 400miles away. I was only “here” to play basketball, get my degree for “FREE” and GO HOME.

We lived in “my home” for 20 years and boy did he see a lot. I went from being the family gatherer and having my parents there as often as possible to burying my Dreams and navigating the ugly road.

The ugly road of grief. Suicide SURVIVOR and yes…. the ugly road of infertility, judgement, fear, and the worse of it all- Regret.

So with both my parents buried together in the same site- I realized QUICK without your parents this is hard. ReallyHARD.

I made it through for a while and”put on my big girl pants”.

But guess what? If you are anything like ME. And BOTH your parents are….Dead.

You change. Yup. You do. Because if you don’t you won’t survive.

You grew up your entire life and they were YOUr ROCKS. There for you in a HEART BEAT.

So without beating a dead horse-

I want to say this.

In high school. I learned to PIVOt. The ball was DEAD in my HANDS if I didn’t PIVOT.

Your entire life YOU want the ball. In your court. And I finally I had it allllllll lined up. But then the ball was DEAD. And unless I decided to PIVOT.

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Guess what?

I die too.

And that’s not an option.

Not when you have 4 little babes who call you mommy.

So.

You pivot.

More to come on the pivot.

Xo

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On the Brink of Death

You know how they say;

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

It’s so TRUE because it means that YOU are a FIGHTER.  

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It means you got through something that could have taken you down but you didn’t let it. We are ALL dealing with some EPIC SHIT right now and whether you realize it or not- YOU are grieving. Your heart, your head, your entire body; all of it is grieving my friend. 

So here are some personal thoughts I have on GRIEF.  I’ve had 4 decades now to think about this and I’ve actually been able to cram in quite a bit of experience and processing around the subject.  
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MY FIRST ENCOUNTER:  
Age 3 and 13 when my mom was stuck in the hospital for 6+ weeks at a time. Unable to remember my name and much less speak it.  Strokes are scary.
Waving to her from the parking lot as she made her way over to the window with her IV to blow us good night kisses.
I grieved daily that my mom wasn’t “herself”.  That we couldn’t take her home…..AND knowing My momma was never going to be “like she was”. 
WHAT I REMEMBER:  

Kids are so resilient like we say.  For the most part I remember all of the GOOD.  I remember things like snuggling with her in the hospital bed.  Sharing an ice cream cup and nurses being over the top caring and kind.  It was so much of a blur but so much of it as a kid doesn’t sink in like the adults around us struggle to navigate through it. I do however remember a lot of hot tears on my pillow at night.  A lot of fear in my heart that later turned into fear of everything.  School and sports and friends and PEOPLE were the best distraction.  I also learned to laugh loud because laughter was my best medicine. So while on the outside things seemed ok for me personally- there was a lot of internal damage. 

MY SECOND ENCOUNTER: 
age 16 when I destroyed my knee doing a power lay up.  AND THE Best part- it was during THE WARMUPS of our first game. NO ONE WAS EVEN GUARDING ME.
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WHAT I REMEMBER: 

Missing “your sport” or losing out on a chance to be in the mix with the people you love doing something you love is a MAJOR MAJOR loss and quickly couples with GRIEF. These kids are GRIEVING and we are grieving FOR them.  It’s what keeps people engaged and focused in life and without these activities- especially when they are pulled from you so abruptly- you undoubtedly are going through major GRIEF.  It’s easy to lose some sense of direction and hope.  

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MY THIRD ENCOUNTER: 
Age 22- I may have mentioned this before in my blog and it goes without saying that 9/11 was another period of time where our country was in MAJOR CRISIS and grieving mode.  Lives were shattered and everyone’s peace of mind was rocked.  Fear of OUR safety and our everyday FREEDOMS were destroyed by the evil out there and it hit us HARD.  

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WHAT I REMEMBER: 

If you aren’t mentally in a place to handle “crisis mode”-meaning you are already dealing with some changes in your life, the impact with any form of grief can exacerbate quickly.  A lot of people hit “rock bottom“. New York City met “ground zero“. This was my first identifiable encounter with depression.  I couldn’t eat.  I wasn’t hungry.  I was hyper focused on being successful with my job. I was numb. I had panic attacks that took over my body and I knew I would never look at the world the same way again.  

I also remember hearing this:  

LOOK FOR THE HEROS”.  

Focus on the helpers and BE a helper. Serve others.  Give. Honor.   Within the chaos LOOK for and identify the people who are saving others, kind to others, helping others.  More over gravitate towards them because their VIBE is cathartic, healing and brings comfort and peace.

I learned that the “building” could crumble but if you have a strong “foundation” you really CAN rebuild.  And if there’s a crack in the foundation, you certainly can’t ignore that either. 

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MY FOURTH ENCOUNTER:
Ages 28-33- INFERTILITY.  
This is when I learned that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Monthly you grieve that your body didn’t work. You get your hopes up and try to stay positive only to get slammed by the reality that YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE PROCESS OR THE OUTCOME. The more women you talk to the more you recognize that it’s hard to make it through womanhood and child bearing without the LOSSES that surround it.  For 5 years I went through all methods under the sun to conceive a baby.  Medicinal AND whole body. Shots every day in my stomach and butt, miscarriages, 10 failed IUIs and 5 failed IVFs.   Mother’s Day, holidays, kids parties etc. were all PAINFUL REMINDERS of what I couldn’t have.  I grieved the right of female to experience growing a baby.   Looking at crew now- it’s Hard to believe 4 kids later but that 5 year period was HARD. 
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WHAT I REMEMBER:

I WASN’T ALONE. Ever.  And SELF CARE was a PRIORITY.  I did yoga for fertility. Mayan abdominal massage.  I ate the best meat and freshest fruit.   Acupuncture.  Chinese herbs.  Heck I even gave my vagina steam baths in my kitchen.

* Note: If you’re still with me at this point you read that correctly and it’s ok to laugh out loud- it’s a real thing.  And laughing is good, remember.
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But I was never alone.  Women and men everywhere were going through the same thing.  Just not always talking about it or wearing it on their sleeve. Many struggle silently and don’t realize they can find help and support.  And again I noticed- laughter was the best medicine.  It was the “suffer silently” that was my biggest takeaway from this because I LEARNED you don’t have to. 

NOR SHOULD YOU.

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MY FIFTH ENCOUNTER: 
Age 34- the year my parents died.
The year one of my biggest fears in LIFE became a reality.  
It was over.
They were gone.
And – there would NEVER be anything I could do to change that or GO BACK TO AND DO OVER.
No replays.
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I now combine both of their deaths together but that took me a good 3 years to process as they were both very different deaths with subsequently very different layers of GRIEF.  
Mom was on a ventilator and life support after her 3rd and final stroke. A decision had to be made. With the family surrounding her – there was reluctant understanding that when she came off of the machines there would be no measures to help her.  
She could shake her head yes and no. She shrugged and said yes.
We cried.
She agreed that she didn’t want to live like that with the doctors and the entire family as her witness.
4 months later my dad decided he didn’t want to live like that either.
He was crumbling just as we all were grieving except for him – he decided that he needed a way out, that he could end it himself, that there was some level of control and yes he did leave us a suicide note. 

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WHAT I REMEMBER:

It is an ugly, painful subject people try to avoid.  I remember the shock and horror of it and I revisit it daily.  Often times multiple times throughout any given day.  Without warning. Without permission.

BUT….

What I remember the most now are the people most specifically in positions of mental health services and the police officers who tried to help shield me from seeing my dads body bag leave my family home for the last time and load on to the medical examiners vehicle. I remember everyone who has helped me understand it all.  When I hear the word- SUICIDE- even if it’s just in reference to doing sprints or ladders up the basketball court, my stomach turns, my heart cries out and I work myself back to my new normal.

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WHAT I KNOW:  from the moment we are born we are dying.  There is no control we have over any of this, at all.
It takes time and hard work to keep going and it’s on YOU how BIG you want to LIVE your precious days on this earth.  And that is WHY you were put on this earth because each day your creator sees delight in how glorious YOU will make it. That’s your purpose.
There will always be evil and crap in the world trying to take us down but even during the storms we can find peace, solace, comfort, laughter, love and hope.  I promise you that.

XO

Amy

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States among all people over 10 years old, and rates are on the rise. Approximately 40,000 people in the US commit suicide every year,[1] which is 24% higher than in 1999[2] and about 9,000 more than those killed in car accidents.[3]

Understanding the warning signs and risk factors can help prevent suicides.

What are the Warning Signs?

These are the warning signs, according to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255):[4]

  • Sleeping too much or too little

  • Acting anxious or upset

  • Showing rage

  • Withdrawing or isolating

  • Extreme mood swings

  • Behaving recklessly

  • Increasing use of drugs and/or alcohol

  • Talking about seeking revenge

  • Talking about feeling hopeless, trapped, or a burden to others

  • Looking for a way to kill themselves (for example, buying a gun)

  • Talking about suicide or wanting to die