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Happy 67th Birthday To My D A D… in Heaven.

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Happy 67th birthday to my dad in Heaven!!!  Not sure why that needs 3 exclamation marks. BUT In memory of him, I’m about to share some thoughts on what he left me in my life to swallow.   It’s a message I am sure he wishes I didn’t have to share out but I also know he’s proud of me for the personal development and the work I’ve done to cope with it. This is also a shout out particularly to all the dads I know from your “daughter”. 

My dad isn’t the only one out there who ended this way and he won’t be the last. It’s the 10th leading cause of death in our country.  It’s staggering that over 140 people a DAY end this way.  It’s a disease. It’s up there with cancer and stroke and anything else that takes lives.

I know NOW that my dad probably never really wanted to end his life.  I’m also actually closer to him NOW than ever and everyone who knew my family knows that we WERE very close knit. We were a tight unit growing up.  What he left however was destruction.  He left his kids with trauma and a mess to deal with right inside the house we grew up in.  He left it for us to discover and to navigate through on our own. No parents. No grandparents. Just myself and my brother and our spouses.

He left it for us to make every decision moving forward.  Everything from where to put his body to what to do with all of his belongings. And my moms treasures. And the 30+ years of baggage and memories left behind in that house for us to unfold.

If you are a father reading this- first and foremost don’t EVER give up.   Now I know that’s easier said and done and sounds more cliche than reality.  You are the man of the house right? How is it that you aren’t strong enough to keep it together? How could you get to the point where giving up is your only option?

The problem is that there aren’t enough resources for you.  For me. For kids in schools- for veterans. For over worked and underpaid people trying to make ends meet.  For people going through hardships like loss, disease, relationship issues, a broken heart, illness, job loss, ABUSE and now a PANDEMIC.

There aren’t enough resources to help you identify what to do and how to get through it. There is no playbook. No Instruction guide. And even if you are lucky enough to land one, they aren’t fool proof.  There are loop holes and ways to get around it.

 My dad finally listened a couple months after my mom passed.  He went to the doctor and told them he couldn’t sleep. He told me that I wouldn’t want to know what was going through his head.  He couldn’t eat he said. He was losing weight. He would spend hours walking around at Wegmans and couldn’t decide what to eat.  I helped him with meals. Brought them to his house.  Cooked for him at my house. Helped him with a schedule and a meal plan. I invited him over Daily.

BUT I wasn’t in his head and wasn’t with him all the time. I should have known when he started throwing everything away.  Tossing things to the curb, literally.  I spent 3 weekends in a row and got babysitters to watch my 3 babies at the time so I could help him clean out the house and I saved things I wasn’t sure I was ready to part with- mostly of my moms past who I was only at the infancy at the time of grieving her loss too. Just like him. I should have known three days before when he told me he was always cold. I picked him up and took him to the museum with my babies.  He held them the night before.  He was AT my house the night before.  

I should have known but I wasn’t in his head.

I didn’t realize the night before that he had been SURE during that week prior of what he was ultimately going to do to himself.  I didn’t think anyone could harm themselves like that and I never ever thought my D A D would EVER do such a thing to himself or his family.
But he did. And just like that.
It was over.

My strong, funny, loving, smart, athletic, D A D was D E A D and gone.

And dad…..I know you’re looking down and proud of the bad ass I’ve become because you raised me this way.  YOU often told me to suck it up.  To push.   To reach for the stars. I found everything you left behind for us.  What you were googling on your computer.  The notes you left.   The contraption you left in my bedroom to hold up your body from the balcony below.  I saw what you did and how you did it and what was going through your mind the week before.  

From that moment I then became a patient of PTSD, a survivor of suicide and a new mom all at once battling a side of depression and anxiety I didn’t know existed.  I even went on and delivered you another grandchild.  A sweet baby boy.

But this is what I want you to know.
I went to counseling and therapy for 4+ years after that.  Sometimes twice a week.  I wasn’t a stranger to counseling.  I started it in college and had a lot of outside support for myself in my twenties and early thirties.
And this is what I want you to know.  If something surfaces for YOU and you push it away- YOU DIDN’T take care of it.
You just turned your face to it. It’s going to resurface again.  And again. And again.  Sometimes you’ll recognize it. Sometimes you will be in a state to handle it.  Sometimes you will feel strong.

But other times….. it will sneak attack on you when you least expect it. When you are dealing with something else. When you are already knockedu down.   When your cup is too full to handle another drop and that’s when you start spilling over.   It’s just too much.

Then what?
 Do you think you will be able to handle it on your best day, in your right mind when you are “the best version of yourself”?  And what if it’s one of your “worst” days.
Then what?

This is to all the dads. The parents. The grandparents. Do the work on you. Recognize your feelings. Embrace them and acknowledge them and HONOR THEM. Then find something to help you package the feelings so that they make sense to you. So you can be right in your heart. If you aren’t right in your heart….. talk about it. Get help. If you can’t do it on your own and it resurfaces too often and it alters what you can handle on a day to day basis- or worse it paralyzes you…..

THEN

You

need

help.

You need to work on this so you can be the best version of you.   I know it will take more than just your strength and will power. I know this.

It’s a daily challenge.  A battle of fighting demons and throwing negativity to the curb.

I am not an expert but too many people stay quiet about it and suffer silently.   Don’t let that be you.

xo

2 thoughts on “Happy 67th Birthday To My D A D… in Heaven.”

  1. Amy you are so strong to be able to put this out there! I hope it helps someone who is struggling. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and a great writer!

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