This week I will travel back to New York. My uncle passed away from a major stroke- just like My mom. He was only 61. 
This picture was 4 years ago in Long Island. At my cousins wedding and I am
So beyond thankful for it-
I remember it like it was
Yesterday.
I just don’t think it’s “fair”. It also just rips open my heart because I miss my own mom and dad.
I was told by some very close friends before I experienced it myself that you can’t choose your family and sometimes your friends are actually closer to you than your family. I never truly understood that or believed that until my brother and his wife repeatedly chose their friends over our family- even when my parents were still alive.
Weeks would go by and my dad would say things to me like, “have you heard from your brother?” My mom would ask the same thing. He and his wife always had their own agenda and their lives came first. If you are personally reading this and it feels icky, it could be because you can relate but don’t worry about my my brothers feelings because he doesn’t care and he won’t read this anyways.
When I see my brother at this funeral for my uncle this week…….I am prepared. When my dad committed suicide 4 months after my mom died my brother and I started counseling together. Twice a week. His wife asked my husband how long it would last and his response was “for as long as they need to do it for”.
Our therapy together ended after I told him during one of our sessions 4 months later that we were pregnant with our 4th. (It took 5 years of infertility and IVF treatments to have our twins and incredibly Alexis and Brady were natural and a complete AND shocking surprise “gift”.
Al told me then that “we should wait” to tell his wife for a few weeks because low and behold they now after having their first child were having difficulty conceiving their next. (They now have 5)
So…..
I waited and he stopped
Going to
Counseling with me. I won’t go into any more details about that but our
Relationship ended.
Yes brother and sister-
It ended.
Fast forward to when I felt like I had to move my family closer to Matt’s parents in Massachusetts because I could not
Handle
All
Of
My kids alone. Matt was traveling a
Lot and I knew it would only continue to get harder. If it was hard for my
Closest family to
See me
When I lived 2
Minutes from them,
Then what difference would 6 hours make???
That was the reality.
So we moved.
And my brother didn’t want to see us for Thanksgiving, Christmas or for just a simple goodbye before we left in 2019.
Fast forward- yes he has 5 kids now and I have yet to have been told about their recent addition of twins. I don’t even know their names.
Someday my kids are going to ask questions about all of this and I hope to be around to
Answer them- but if I’m not-
This is why I continue this blog. I have learned a lot
About life. I have a strong backbone and thick skin…..
But…..
It’s life. It’s it
Is the reality …….and for so long I have been trying to help
Myself through this turmoil because I wish I could
Believe that this wasn’t my truth but it really is.
It’s
Ugly.
And this week when I visit The graves of
My parents and grandparents after I pay my
Respects to my uncle….. I’m
At peace.
I’m
Only
At peace because of the intense work I’ve done through understanding mental illness and undergoing my
Own personal therapy. It’s a long choppy road……
And as
Much as I wish I could smooth it over I can only do what’s within my
Control. I also consciously make an effort to remove negative influences from my life and will continue to do so because life
Is TOO SHORT.