As these days of blogging “21 days of reality and realness” progress I am committed to making sure that I remove the “warm and fuzzy” from my narrative. The reason? Mostly because that truly doesn’t help anyone UNLESS you’re a child. Sometimes THEY NEED WARM AND FUZZY……

But as I remind myself of why I started blogging years back to begin with…. it’s so that someday when I’m no longer here OR perhaps just when my kids are old enough and mature enough to handle their roots- they have a better picture of what it entails. Because trust me when I tell you…….

This is the truth now-

I have lived a LIFE of sugar coating, portraying a life of the warm and fuzzy and pushing down the truth of what it really looked like. Because…. I believed that’s what everyone did. And per my dad quoting time and time again…….

This is HIS quote not mine.

Amy, no matter how BAD you think it is, it could be worse and a lot more people have it worse.

Interpretation as a 10 year old hearing this; suck it up. “Your problems” aren’t “real” problems.

Further interpretation; (and quite honestly more reason why I want to share and help others out there who are perplexed with this whole idea or scared that it could happen to their family……….

Stop minimizing mental health or any time that your child or loved one stresses to you or ANY ONE that they have a concern, problem, fear, etc.

OF COURSE you can read a book on it, of course you can become a mental health EXPERT…… but until you have lived it…….

Your opinion and furthermore your judgement needs to walk out the door.

Because STRONG PEOPLE COMMIT SUICIDE.

Again I’m not an expert at committing suicide however by definition I am a survivor of suicide because a survivor is one that is left behind. I am not about to debate this. If you are reading this and you have tried committing suicide…….. read on a couple of blogs from here in the future because the sugar coating isn’t going to get any more “glazed”.

Back to my point for this entry…… how do I know that STRONG People commit suicide?? Verses a stigma that they are perhaps…. weak?????

Here it goes……

Strong people with a very Strong Intent and purpose choose certain methods to end their life.

3 months after my dad killed himself- I sat in the office of a Greece Police chief as they shared with my brother and I the note he left, the “evidence” they took from our family home, and a few of the things he was wearing.

3 months after. That was the first time I saw what his final thoughts were. I had already been in therapy with my brother for 3 months just trying to come to any sort of grips as to WHY MY DAD WOULD DO THIS other than…… what everyone WANTS TO BELIEVE after my mom died-

That he loved and missed her SO MUCH DURING THE 4 MONTHS AFTER HER DEATH that he just couldn’t live without her.

I have since had 9 years of intense therapy. I have asked the questions. I have grappled with this and I have studied this and I have lost nights and years of sleep over this because that’s what happens when you do this to your family……

But with his birthday coming up

Next week I can very openly and truthfully tell you despite all of the fucking anger I had towards him-

He IS and forever will be one of THE STRONGEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER EVERRRRRRR MET. And for THAT I have so much respect for him, his life and for what he did. He was STRONG AS FUCK.

I apologize now for my foul language by the way. I was a kindergarten teacher before a became an administrator for God sakes but before that I was also a D1 basketball player and with that Comes a potty mouth. If you’re still with me…. thanks for reading and sharing “my journey”. If you know anyone who could benefit please share and please PLEASE know there is an easier way for help now…..

9-8-8 for HELP.

Xo

Amy