My kids have no idea how many cousins they have….. and here’s what happened to Uncle Al~

First of all, until you bury both your parents within 4 months of each other and until you discover yourself that your parent ended his life….please check your opinions and judgement at the door if you continue to read this.

Someday I’ll encounter my parents again. I’ll sit in a room with them. They will have some explaining to do and so will I. Until then, I continue to sit one-on-one with therapists to help me get through this life without them and with the mess they left behind. They left me a mess. They left me their mess.

I’m no longer mad at them though. They dealt with the hand they were dealt.

I’m actually no longer mad at my brother either. He’s a victim. He chooses to let it destroy him. We began therapy together immediately after my dad committed suicide. In continued until the day I told him I was miraculously pregnant with Brady. He told me that “we shouldn’t tell Kristi”. (His wife) (They only had one child at the time. A child that came very quickly for them but now they were having a hard time having more)

Side bar: it took me 5 years to have our first. So I’m familiar with what that feels like.

Didn’t matter. I had to hide my news. Keep it a secret. Couldn’t tell the only closest family I had left. And then when I did tell them, I didn’t tell them in a way that they thought was appropriate.

So

Began

The

End.

That

Summer….. grieving both parents and trying to clean out and sell the estate of 40 years in our childhood home…..

That was the end.

I was pregnant,

Had 3 others under 3 in diapers.

I had no help. Matt was traveling.

Fast forward……

They finally got 2 more babies. And I started to realize that we weren’t invited to their house very often. There were birthdays that went uncelebrated and they were more busy with friends and travel and their own lives that my kids never saw them. It was the same song and dance when my parents were alive-

I hosted everything. At my house. And I didn’t mind for the longest time either. But I was becoming very tired mentally and physically. So I stopped. Before my mom died she recognized it too. She said, “Amy we love coming over and appreciate you having dinners but you don’t have to invite your brother and Kristi every time”. She knew.

It was a one way street. Days and weeks would go by and I can even hear my dad asking me, “have you heard from your brother?”

Nope. But my brother has his side of the story and he will stick to his script like the victim.

So in 2019, Matt was in California and traveling a LOT for work. Holidays were looming and I knew yet again it was on me. So I pulled the trigger and told him we were moving so at the very least we could have our kids enjoy their only grandparents. In Boston. Near the cape where we were constantly visiting anyways. It just made sense.

And if I barely saw my brother when he lived 2 minutes away, 6 hours away would make no difference.

We didn’t see each other for thanksgiving or Christmas that year and didn’t even say goodbye. I offered. He told me he was good. Because after all,

It’s

About him.

The victim, let’s not forget.

Everyone is a victim to SOMETHING. Yes.

But how you move forward and how

It changes you,

Is on YOU. And you have to do the work.

Otherwise, you will continue to be the victim.

I have since placed a fucking bubble around my heart. On most days I feel like I am one jelly donut away from a heart attack. Mostly mental heart attack. But the physical aftermath of the shitstorm my parents left us after they died will never be recovered. It just won’t be. We did things a lot of humans don’t have to encounter until they are much older and can in some sort of way come to grips with or justify after a long lived life.

There’s no justifying.

There’s no more games.

There’s no more feeling sorry.

But the best lesson I have taken from my brother and his wife is to be just as self centered as they are when it comes to family. That year I stopped going out of my way. Stopped inviting. Decided I was busy too. Decided that friends are just as important if not sometimes more important than blood.

…..

The doors closed. The chapters ended. This author is tired and has her own family to deal with. And trust me when I tell you they are what’s most important and my best advice……..

Is to go by their

Vibe. Follow their hearts and their

interests and focus on them.

It’s almost a relief.

Does it make me sad?

1,000% yes. And I’ll continue to work on ME to get myself through it.

xo