This year marks 10 years for our final goodbye. For me it was smack in the middle of many very thankful blessings and FIRSTS. This was my last picture with my momma. I honestly think she knew. I vividly remember my last breakfast with her where she so desperately wanted to shop with me after to buy each of my babies “something”. So I let her. It was for no reason other than….

That was just HER……And she knew. She brought me my favorite treat in the hospital and a gorgeous plant. But I look back on that year in 2013 and I KNOW she KNEW.

Something I hope my children someday believe is to not fear Death. (However….)

I did for many years. I can recollect back to when I was 3 because that was my moms first major stroke when she was 30. From that point on…. I. HAD. FEAR.

So much fear that if I was ever driving in my car and there was an ambulance anywhere near the direction of my house- i would follow it…..Until I knew it wasn’t for my mom.

That’s how often she was removed from the house by ambulance.

So fear- as we all know is necessary. But it’s also often made up and enlarged in our minds.

Fear is also paralyzing.

I know this because your mind takes over your limbs to the point where it feels like they are detached. Numb and removed from your body.

….and you can’t breath. Your chest and back tightens and hurts and sometimes you just get sick.

During her last goodbye with my grandpa, before they closed his casket- she said “ok dad. See you soon”

Matt heard it. I observed it. Then I observed the beginning of the end of her body. First her words. Then my dad and I watched as they scrambled to intubate her. Then her limbs. She couldn’t move from the mouth down.

PTSD. Oh hey there.

If anything from this point forward happens to remind me of this or trigger it in my HEAD then HOLD ON TIGHT because here it comes….

My dad threw his fist on the hospital conference room table and told us to never let “this” happen to him.

In my opinion-

He made up his mind then and quite honestly I think he even shared it with MY MOM that he would see her soon.

So for 4 months I watched my dad spiral. I went through YEARS of people asking me questions and years of other suicides that brought up the question over

And

Over

And OVER again…….WHY?

And did he ever say anything, do anything, share anything or not for that matter to indicate his upcoming suicide that same year?

My answer:

is yes.

Yes he did. And trust me when I tell you that there is NOT one aching piece of me that wishes I could tell you something different.

Was he seemingly very successful with a happy and overall happy life?…. even to the extent of having just retired and with new grand babies in his life? Yes, he had all of that and he had “everything”.

But I’ve spent 10 years in the wake of this, every suicide and every intubation and every death I ever hear of and I have many many conclusions.

First and foremost I think it has been important for me to understand that death is FINAL

And

NO….

they are NOT always with you.

There is a fine line.

They are NOT always with you.

They are NOT right there and seeing everything. (Again only my opinion from what it really feels like)

YOU are the one who has to navigate now through the pieces that are now DEAD.

It’s permanent and because we don’t discuss it enough we try to gloss over the pain with all kinds of cliche beliefs that “the person” is right there with you all the time. (I do know they are there often and I have my own beliefs as do you- but it’s never the same and never a good consolation prize)

I honestly thought this blog would end on an enlightened note after 21 days of sharing the in and out of this story but it gets worse before it gets better.

xo