I set a goal to make this happen over 21

“Days” of blog posts but what happened along the way? I got stuck, I paused, I shifted and redirected and REALIZED the reason I was STUCK was and IS because I do NOT want it to end.

Damn. Did I really just find JOY in the journey without even intending to?

YES.

But what was I holding ON to?

The answer really is something I have known about myself all along.

Fear.

But FEAR of what?????

Shit. Here it is.

The. End.

😭the finish line. I HATE endings. I have always feared what will happen NEXT.

Am I seeing this trend already with my own kids……. YES SIR!

But the TRUTH IS that the FEAR is self made and self taught. I have been letting

Fear IN for 44 years. They started when my mom was hospitalized when I was 3. Fear as I walked away in the parking lot watching her with tears so we could have one last wave from her hospital room before we went home to the dark, cold empty house without HER.

Now with kids of my own, I 1,000% know how my kids feel when Matt is on the road traveling or when I am not home with them. Most recently, this week, its with my youngest who is 8. He cannot handle his dad being away for work. Pre-COVID times this was a norm for MANY MANY FAMILIES…… not just my own.

But the other kids feel it too, he just continues to have the meltdowns, the tears, the sad and terrible words he is turning it towards himself that quickly remind me how and why the universe took over me that cold fall in 2019 when I made the decision while Matt was in California that we were moving to Boston.

This was how I can miraculously describe that decision from a girl who has to split numerous meals with others at a restaurant because I canNOT make a damn decision. 😂

Ridiculously DAUNTING. To even attempt SELLING our dream house- the house we put all of our blood, sweat and tears into for our babies.

Was I being “guided”. Hell yes. And despite all of the disappointment I felt from others to get up and leave- i never ever paused or second guessed it.

So now at 44 years old, on blog 19 of something I felt the NEED to complete for myself, my kids and anyone else who could relate and I could possibly HELP.

Identify your fears. Do NOT feel defeated if it takes you 44 years…..

Of COURSE you fear death and dying and THE END…..

But why???

::and on that note I know EXACTLY where my next posts are heading and no this is NOT the end::

XO

Amy