If you are a parent this may resonate with you. I recently had a mom who just had her fourth baby ask me:

how the heck do you do it with 4 babies?

Well here is what I know now.

When I first started there were 2….. then there were 3….. and 4. All in diapers. My mom shortly before she passed away said over and over to me “I don’t know how you do it”.

First of all, I will tell you that I don’t have the answer. I learned by “messing up”, crying and just growing with my children.

I will also tell you…. it has been UGLY. The past ten+ years have been a blur, they have been ugly, messy and heartbreaking. (Probably what a new mom doesn’t want to hear but there isn’t one day that goes by that doesn’t wish I could go back and try it all over again)

My biggest pitfall was not feeling comfortable enough to ask for help. I needed SO MUCH HELP. But from the inside it looked like everyone else had it all together, had their own life and I needed to figure my shyt out.

I look back at my upbringing though and realize that there wasn’t any help. There were always bigger problems and my needs were minimized early on.

First lesson for me as a mom and something I will be careful to provide for my kids. I think everyone needs help. You have to ask. You are NOT some super human hero.

I look back at another lesson that I have been attending to since my early 20’s and urge anyone at any stage to take in…..

Get help!!! I literally drove myself and all four of my kids to my doctor 2 times within a year insisting to be seen because I was certain that my heart was going to explode. I called Matt home from NYC one time because I spilled an entire egg carton of eggs on the floor and all the kids were crying and I didn’t know who to call. I won’t even begin to tell you how much money I have spent over the past 10 years on therapy and I still do……….get the help.

I have also found “my tribe” and have lost “my tribe” more times than I can count over the past 10 years. This is probably the hardest part. It is a revolving door. Your capacity to deal with things will change. Other people won’t be able to deal with that change. Needs will change. Everything changes.

This is not your fault. Perhaps it is no ones. But remember that people either come into your life to teach YOU a lesson or for you to teach THEM a lesson….. learn to let go if they aren’t meant to stay.

Don’t try to make everything perfect. I tried for a while….. I was trying to make up for all the things I had lost, all the things my kids lost, and for all of the imperfect. This is extremely dangerous.

Being a mom was everything I wanted to be. It took us 5 years to get there and looking back I realize why. I needed to build strength for what was to come.

Don’t be scared. I have lived my entire life in fear…. mostly fear of losing the people I love the most. Don’t be scared…. just STAY IN THE MOMENT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

That is nothing new right?! You cannot change the past and there is no point in worrying about the future because it robs you of the JOY you have today.

Remember that saying that “today is a GIFT and that is why we call it the PRESENT?! Stay in the joy as often as you can, cry and get help every time you need to and don’t feel bad about your feelings. This is your life and nobody elses. Nobody else’s opinion matters- the only thing that matters is YOUR peace and joy and loving your babies.

xo,

Amy

I set a goal to make this happen over 21

“Days” of blog posts but what happened along the way? I got stuck, I paused, I shifted and redirected and REALIZED the reason I was STUCK was and IS because I do NOT want it to end.

Damn. Did I really just find JOY in the journey without even intending to?

YES.

But what was I holding ON to?

The answer really is something I have known about myself all along.

Fear.

But FEAR of what?????

Shit. Here it is.

The. End.

😭the finish line. I HATE endings. I have always feared what will happen NEXT.

Am I seeing this trend already with my own kids……. YES SIR!

But the TRUTH IS that the FEAR is self made and self taught. I have been letting

Fear IN for 44 years. They started when my mom was hospitalized when I was 3. Fear as I walked away in the parking lot watching her with tears so we could have one last wave from her hospital room before we went home to the dark, cold empty house without HER.

Now with kids of my own, I 1,000% know how my kids feel when Matt is on the road traveling or when I am not home with them. Most recently, this week, its with my youngest who is 8. He cannot handle his dad being away for work. Pre-COVID times this was a norm for MANY MANY FAMILIES…… not just my own.

But the other kids feel it too, he just continues to have the meltdowns, the tears, the sad and terrible words he is turning it towards himself that quickly remind me how and why the universe took over me that cold fall in 2019 when I made the decision while Matt was in California that we were moving to Boston.

This was how I can miraculously describe that decision from a girl who has to split numerous meals with others at a restaurant because I canNOT make a damn decision. 😂

Ridiculously DAUNTING. To even attempt SELLING our dream house- the house we put all of our blood, sweat and tears into for our babies.

Was I being “guided”. Hell yes. And despite all of the disappointment I felt from others to get up and leave- i never ever paused or second guessed it.

So now at 44 years old, on blog 19 of something I felt the NEED to complete for myself, my kids and anyone else who could relate and I could possibly HELP.

Identify your fears. Do NOT feel defeated if it takes you 44 years…..

Of COURSE you fear death and dying and THE END…..

But why???

::and on that note I know EXACTLY where my next posts are heading and no this is NOT the end::

XO

Amy

I’ve been around “victims” my entire life. I’ve also been around NARCISSism my entire life.

Scary right? Sad? Sure. Truth……. 100% YES.

So here I am going into it for a little moment to shed some light so that maybe I can help anyone else who has been impacted by it…. including my children. I was “forced” to grow up at a very early age. I was aware of too many adult things at a very early age. I don’t necessarily want to “shelter” my kids or keep them in a bubble… but I contemplate it every day and thankfully we are going through many incredible “life lessons” just by doing and living. And it’s beautiful. You can’t predict it and it’s actually a GOOD THING for your kids to experience adversity and learn how to handle it while they are young and impressionable and under your roof.

Back to the “victims”…

If you are a victim, back yourself up for a second because I am not going to defend you here. This post isn’t about sympathy. I’m about to give you a dose of tough love if you decide to keep reading this and I don’t happen to piss you off first….. BECAUSE LET ME BE CLEAR:

We are all victims of something.

Too bad I have learned this the hard way-

AND

that is why I’m giving it a double dose of reality here. Most of the time we LEARN by default because we have been harmed in some way and we consequently are in a “victim role”. We are taken advantage of. Someone mistreats us. We go through a series of stages in which we may have guilt, we may question ourselves into thinking we must have done something wrong and we may even be convinced that the other person isn’t at fault at all. We might beat ourselves up. We may feel like we somehow “deserved this”.

First of all, anyone who makes us feel this way to begin with should really be the one in question here.

You and only YOU can protect yourself enough to take ownership in a higher regard of self love so that your inner peace is never compromised. Don’t ever let someone do that to you. Ever.

In other words….. question the situation with: is it really you?

What I have learned through many many relationships is that if you are on the receiving end of any sort of behavior that makes you question any or all of the above, you have to not only take responsibility if any of it is justified, but furthermore if it really isn’t justified THEN YOU have to honor and recognize that as soon as possible.

The person dishing it is the one who really needs to work on his/herself and in many cases if they fail to recognize that- there isn’t much more you can do in many cases and you may need to just walk away.

You need to remove yourself and walk away.

This isn’t easy. Many times people feel like it also can’t be done because that isn’t an option.

Often it starts with setting boundaries. Identifying “it” and protecting your space, your health, your well-being, your peace, and your future.

You don’t have to be a victim forever AND you don’t need to let “victims” bring you down either. That’s on you.

Recognize it. Identify it. Reflect and then do what’s best for YOU.

XO

This year marks 10 years for our final goodbye. For me it was smack in the middle of many very thankful blessings and FIRSTS. This was my last picture with my momma. I honestly think she knew. I vividly remember my last breakfast with her where she so desperately wanted to shop with me after to buy each of my babies “something”. So I let her. It was for no reason other than….

That was just HER……And she knew. She brought me my favorite treat in the hospital and a gorgeous plant. But I look back on that year in 2013 and I KNOW she KNEW.

Something I hope my children someday believe is to not fear Death. (However….)

I did for many years. I can recollect back to when I was 3 because that was my moms first major stroke when she was 30. From that point on…. I. HAD. FEAR.

So much fear that if I was ever driving in my car and there was an ambulance anywhere near the direction of my house- i would follow it…..Until I knew it wasn’t for my mom.

That’s how often she was removed from the house by ambulance.

So fear- as we all know is necessary. But it’s also often made up and enlarged in our minds.

Fear is also paralyzing.

I know this because your mind takes over your limbs to the point where it feels like they are detached. Numb and removed from your body.

….and you can’t breath. Your chest and back tightens and hurts and sometimes you just get sick.

During her last goodbye with my grandpa, before they closed his casket- she said “ok dad. See you soon”

Matt heard it. I observed it. Then I observed the beginning of the end of her body. First her words. Then my dad and I watched as they scrambled to intubate her. Then her limbs. She couldn’t move from the mouth down.

PTSD. Oh hey there.

If anything from this point forward happens to remind me of this or trigger it in my HEAD then HOLD ON TIGHT because here it comes….

My dad threw his fist on the hospital conference room table and told us to never let “this” happen to him.

In my opinion-

He made up his mind then and quite honestly I think he even shared it with MY MOM that he would see her soon.

So for 4 months I watched my dad spiral. I went through YEARS of people asking me questions and years of other suicides that brought up the question over

And

Over

And OVER again…….WHY?

And did he ever say anything, do anything, share anything or not for that matter to indicate his upcoming suicide that same year?

My answer:

is yes.

Yes he did. And trust me when I tell you that there is NOT one aching piece of me that wishes I could tell you something different.

Was he seemingly very successful with a happy and overall happy life?…. even to the extent of having just retired and with new grand babies in his life? Yes, he had all of that and he had “everything”.

But I’ve spent 10 years in the wake of this, every suicide and every intubation and every death I ever hear of and I have many many conclusions.

First and foremost I think it has been important for me to understand that death is FINAL

And

NO….

they are NOT always with you.

There is a fine line.

They are NOT always with you.

They are NOT right there and seeing everything. (Again only my opinion from what it really feels like)

YOU are the one who has to navigate now through the pieces that are now DEAD.

It’s permanent and because we don’t discuss it enough we try to gloss over the pain with all kinds of cliche beliefs that “the person” is right there with you all the time. (I do know they are there often and I have my own beliefs as do you- but it’s never the same and never a good consolation prize)

I honestly thought this blog would end on an enlightened note after 21 days of sharing the in and out of this story but it gets worse before it gets better.

xo

It’s also why I LOVED being in the field of education. Every quarter, year, new CLASS is a chance to start FRESH.

The last period doesn’t define you but it will certainly influence you, guide you, move you, challenge you.

YOU have the 🗝️ to make it different. To make a change. The passage of time allows you the absolute power to start again, start OVER and adjust good habits, old habits, bad habits, and even removing habits.

One of my biggest “aha moments” over my personal journey in the past 20+ years of making New Year’s resolutions is removing things from my plate that no longer serve me or serve me well.

Being a reflective human is difficult because it calls us out on ourselves often analyzing our weaknesses. It’s a very mature thing to be able to own your weaknesses and take responsibility over them.

Identifying them, owning them, adjusting them and building on WEAKNESSES are realistically what makes us human and BETTER HUMANS and perhaps the best versions of ourselves.

You can laugh out loud if you have always failed miserably at this.

You can even use the excuse that “it never works for me anyways”.

But

Hi there! If you’re still reading this…. maybe it’s a sign from the UNIVERSE to start fresh tomorrow. January 1.

Start small. Start anywhere.

Just.

START.

Cheers! 🥂

XO

I’m going to start to get a little more “life coach” on you here. It’s perhaps the BIGGEST LEGACY my parents left me with almost 10 years ago.

And I am this many days old and realizing it….

Today.

Many people go through their entire lives not knowing what theIr PURPOSE is. Yup. They go day IN and day OUT without really knowing what they want, what they were put here to do, and what their truest potential really is.

Beyond that….

Perhaps because they don’t know;

They end too soon. Or they quit.

Rounding out the last quarter of my 21 days here (which mind you took me a LONG TIME to complete) is a little nudge, a little kick in the 🫶🏼 and a reminder that what happens to you in life isn’t always something within your control, BUT, how you choose to react to it and respond to it IS your responsibility.

As we roll into yet another NEW YEAR, remember that there are a lot of other people who won’t be joining you in that privilege. They sadly are less fortunate and aren’t going to make it. ✨

On my deepest and darkest days, sometimes that little reminder is all I need to pick myself up and keep going- one step at a time. One 👣 in front of the other.

Realistically, it’s normal to have these days. We ALL have them. Even the people who look like they have it all together.

Your responsibility (and you owe this to yourself if no one has told you this yet) is to make sure that you analyze and reflect on YOURSELF.

Ride high on the good.

But take note on the “bad”.

…..reflect on whether or not it was designed not by accident to happen to YOU, but rather as a complete and purposeful PIECE that the universe put in your path to get you to where you really need to go- and where you may not even realize you are going!!!!!!

Also make note to when your “CUP” seems half full…..

I mean…..Is it???

And how are YOU responding when it’s half full?

What is “your response” in these moments?

•Do you complain?

•Do you blame others?

•Do you throw yourself into a tantrum in the corner and feel sorry for yourself?

Because you CAN change the

CUP size.

You also can make a decision about what YOU ARE FILLING YOUR CUP WITH. 🤔

Maybe it’s something entirely different.

Maybe you have “buckets” and you are filling your buckets with the wrong things.

Or….

Maybe you need less buckets.

…..go back to the cup and

start there….

Decide what it is YOU WANT in 2023.

xo

For the first time in over 10 years I’m entering a holiday season when I can check off this holiday wish list.

Let me repeat. For the FIRST TIME in over 10 years.

Ouch. What does this mean?

The holidays are supposed to be about joy, happiness, togetherness, laughing, giving, gratitude, etc etc etc RIGHT?

Our society has conditioned so many of our hearts to shame ourselves if we aren’t appreciative, thankful for what we HAVE, and/or focusing on what we don’t have. So people at a very YOUNG age are almost taught to “fix” that mindset and we are quick to want to “fix it” for them.

So what happens as these people age and they perhaps don’t have the pillars in their life to get them through those patches of terrible feelings?

They look around them and feel like everyone is handling it better and able to work through things and then the person feels STUCK in a place where they don’t think anyone gets it, understands, or will even want to be around them or accept them for being in that place.

So they pull it together, yet again, or find coping mechanisms to help blur the pain, dull the pain, or forget the pain.

I chose early on to try not to let my kids in on being my life coach. I love my mom dearly, and I loved her tremendously while she was walking this earth, but from an early age I now recognize that I was her life coach. She shared with me pain and physical struggle more than anyone in my family and she cried all the time. She needed much more support than she was ever given. It just wasn’t a resource for her and her thoughts were often just that “I’m lucky to be alive”.

My dad told me from an early age that when someone is very sick, sometimes it’s the family that suffers more than the actual person.

….I NEVER EVER understood what he meant from that.

Almost 44 years old and now I get it.

…the family suffers more…

I get it now. And it makes me sick. It makes me sick that decades went by. Damage was done. And no one got the support.

Not to pat myself on the shoulders here but this is my point.

I was the ONLY one who was on medication from my early 20s on. I was the only who started seeing a therapist in college and that was ONLY because it was FREE for student athletes and I was crumbling.

People didn’t get it then.

People still don’t get it now.

And if you are reading this and get it…. here is my holiday wish for YOU.

Get.

Help.

Don’t shame yourself. Don’t TRY to be strong for others. Don’t guilt yourself into trying all kinds of coping mechanisms without fail.

It will leave you feeling hopeless. Feeling alone.

Feeling like you are the only one in this world who can’t get their s&it together.

You aren’t the only one.

But you need some help.

🤍🫶🏼💓

#988

988 has been designated as the new three-digit dialing code that will route callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (now known as the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), and is now active across the United States.

When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary.

The previous Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.

The Lifeline’s network of over 200 crisis centers has been in operation since 2005, and has been proven to be effective. It’s the counselors at these local crisis centers who answer the contacts the Lifeline receives every day. Numerous studies have shown that callers feel less suicidal, less depressed, less overwhelmed and more hopeful after speaking with a Lifeline counselor. 

And GOD BLESS all of our first responders. The fire fighters, volunteer ambulance drivers, the police officers, and hospital staff, the therapists and counselors trying to help in the middle of their own life’s challenges.

🤍

It’s terrible.

Is there really a good time to die?

How about a good “way”?

Is it ok to disappoint? To mess up? To fall down?

AND if you do…. can you ask for help? Are you ok receiving help? Are you comfortable asking for help?

When you find out the person is actually gone. When it really hits you that you will never see them again….

•you think about what you could have said

•what you should have said

•what you wished you had said

But what if you’re left with the everlasting question of “could I have changed their mind?”

“Is there something that I could have done to change their mind?”

“How come I wasn’t enough for them to keep living for?”

“Was it that bad?”

“How long was this going on?”

We are all human. Pain is universal. We all will experience the untimely death of a loved one and the timing is never ok. It’s never on our clock or on our agenda. It doesn’t fit our schedule and it’s something many of us fear. When we lose someone that seems to be something that could have been avoided- the people left in their shadow of death will live the rest of their lives wondering and living in doubt, question, shock, disbelief, sadness, sorrow and trauma.

If you or somebody you know needs to talk to someone- please let them know that it’s perfectly normal and acceptable and entirely understandable to need support during and throughout this time here on earth.

No one was meant to walk it alone.

More people need to understand that everyone needs a life coach. Everyone needs support. It’s human. It’s reality.

💓Mental health matters.

RIP to those who end the pain on their own terms. Whether you were in your right mind or not, you were successful and we are your survivors.

My babies don’t know it yet but I know the timing is coming soon where they need to know how their grandpa died. They ask questions about grandma and grandpa and I am well aware that some things are hereditary. Someday they will know and I’ll explain what I know the best I know how. Until then, the only thing we can wish on anyone is that the day we are in is the best present we can make it. Each day it’s our responsibility to make it the best life we know how. Peace. Connection. Grace. Gratitude. Love.

TO be Continued…..

My kids have no idea how many cousins they have….. and here’s what happened to Uncle Al~

First of all, until you bury both your parents within 4 months of each other and until you discover yourself that your parent ended his life….please check your opinions and judgement at the door if you continue to read this.

Someday I’ll encounter my parents again. I’ll sit in a room with them. They will have some explaining to do and so will I. Until then, I continue to sit one-on-one with therapists to help me get through this life without them and with the mess they left behind. They left me a mess. They left me their mess.

I’m no longer mad at them though. They dealt with the hand they were dealt.

I’m actually no longer mad at my brother either. He’s a victim. He chooses to let it destroy him. We began therapy together immediately after my dad committed suicide. In continued until the day I told him I was miraculously pregnant with Brady. He told me that “we shouldn’t tell Kristi”. (His wife) (They only had one child at the time. A child that came very quickly for them but now they were having a hard time having more)

Side bar: it took me 5 years to have our first. So I’m familiar with what that feels like.

Didn’t matter. I had to hide my news. Keep it a secret. Couldn’t tell the only closest family I had left. And then when I did tell them, I didn’t tell them in a way that they thought was appropriate.

So

Began

The

End.

That

Summer….. grieving both parents and trying to clean out and sell the estate of 40 years in our childhood home…..

That was the end.

I was pregnant,

Had 3 others under 3 in diapers.

I had no help. Matt was traveling.

Fast forward……

They finally got 2 more babies. And I started to realize that we weren’t invited to their house very often. There were birthdays that went uncelebrated and they were more busy with friends and travel and their own lives that my kids never saw them. It was the same song and dance when my parents were alive-

I hosted everything. At my house. And I didn’t mind for the longest time either. But I was becoming very tired mentally and physically. So I stopped. Before my mom died she recognized it too. She said, “Amy we love coming over and appreciate you having dinners but you don’t have to invite your brother and Kristi every time”. She knew.

It was a one way street. Days and weeks would go by and I can even hear my dad asking me, “have you heard from your brother?”

Nope. But my brother has his side of the story and he will stick to his script like the victim.

So in 2019, Matt was in California and traveling a LOT for work. Holidays were looming and I knew yet again it was on me. So I pulled the trigger and told him we were moving so at the very least we could have our kids enjoy their only grandparents. In Boston. Near the cape where we were constantly visiting anyways. It just made sense.

And if I barely saw my brother when he lived 2 minutes away, 6 hours away would make no difference.

We didn’t see each other for thanksgiving or Christmas that year and didn’t even say goodbye. I offered. He told me he was good. Because after all,

It’s

About him.

The victim, let’s not forget.

Everyone is a victim to SOMETHING. Yes.

But how you move forward and how

It changes you,

Is on YOU. And you have to do the work.

Otherwise, you will continue to be the victim.

I have since placed a fucking bubble around my heart. On most days I feel like I am one jelly donut away from a heart attack. Mostly mental heart attack. But the physical aftermath of the shitstorm my parents left us after they died will never be recovered. It just won’t be. We did things a lot of humans don’t have to encounter until they are much older and can in some sort of way come to grips with or justify after a long lived life.

There’s no justifying.

There’s no more games.

There’s no more feeling sorry.

But the best lesson I have taken from my brother and his wife is to be just as self centered as they are when it comes to family. That year I stopped going out of my way. Stopped inviting. Decided I was busy too. Decided that friends are just as important if not sometimes more important than blood.

…..

The doors closed. The chapters ended. This author is tired and has her own family to deal with. And trust me when I tell you they are what’s most important and my best advice……..

Is to go by their

Vibe. Follow their hearts and their

interests and focus on them.

It’s almost a relief.

Does it make me sad?

1,000% yes. And I’ll continue to work on ME to get myself through it.

xo