So maybe you are on the team of thinking that setting New Years resolutions are dumb because either you never keep them or you see others don’t ever keep them.

So – you just don’t do it.

But – WHAT IF you kept it up for just 21 days……???

AND what if you started in MARCH after the whole bull crap of daylight savings time passed???

AND …..WHAT IF you suffer from SAD, (seasonal affective disorder) ? The hardest months for YOU can be August-October and then again in January-February. So starting during those times can be equally as HARD!!!

✔️

It took having panic attacks in different cities for no “apparent” reason and checking myself “in” for heart related observation and testing for 3 years in a row during the exact SAME TIME of year for my doctor to say, “Amy, this happened at the same exact time of year last year and look you said almost the same exact same things”…..Noticing these patterns isn’t always apparent to the person going through them.

Communication.

Had I not communicated to anyone I was struggling – that pattern may not have been discovered. We have a problem in this society of thinking that maybe we don’t need help. We think along the lines of “we-should-be-able-to-control-it-because-it-isn’t-that-bad” type of thoughts.

Additionally, if we don’t otherwise note it somehow for ourselves we have no way of tracking our progress and analyzing where we are, our “true north” or where we “should be”. Being reflective is a skill we can teach little humans early on to develop. Understanding our weaknesses and our strengths helps us later in life when “fight or flight” mode kicks in.

Another really important side bar- I constantly have to remind myself when my kids are “down” to stay away from saying, “you’re OK”.

My youngest of 4 helped me with this one. When he’s crying and I say “you’re ok”….. he always responds with, “I am NOT ok”.

Omg buddy. You are RIGHT. You are NOT ok and THAT IS TOTALLY OK!!!!! Right?

If we are constantly telling a kid they are ok when clearly they are not ok, they are conditioning themselves to quickly dismiss whatever it is that’s bothering them or hurting them. We are diverting the attention from the problem and minimizing how it’s making them feel verses helping them through the steps to feeling better.

Sometimes we have to allow THEM to sit in that space. We cannot be so quick to FIX IT FOR THEM. We have to remember that letting them sit in that space to feel the feels and then talking about how it might take some time and some tools to help them out……is a much better way long term even though it stings for us and them in the short term.

Tools. Tomorrow on Day 3 I’m sharing some tools.

xo

It’s been a while since I have used this blog and it wasn’t on purpose but I missed the renewal of it. It has been one of my “goals” to continue it.

The biggest reason I want to continue it is because someday when I’m no longer here, I want my kids to have this to look back on.

Quite honestly, the blog format makes the most sense for me because during this 10 years of being “mom” I’ve dealt with the biggest and most painful of broken hearts.

One of the hardest parts of being “mom” has been doing it with a broken heart. Being “happy” is something I have generally embraced my entire life. I’m a huge believer in waking up every single day and living it like there’s NO tomorrow.

So someday my babies will have this and maybe it will help them in some way understand with the complexities of my content and maybe it will also help them on a deeper level.

But why stop there? My history isn’t a secret. I’m actually an open book- mostly because communication has always helped me navigate through life and because I refuse to go through life feeling sorry for myself. When people feel sorry for themselves or don’t like their narrative, sometimes they take it out on other people. That’s another thing I try to focus on daily…. unfortunately that’s NOT how I was raised. I’ve spent years and YEARS of counseling and therapy to understand how people can go through LIFE deflecting their pain on others….

I won’t go THERE just yet……instead I want to share a LOT of things that have helped me. One of them being…..

21 days. 21 days of what?? A habit. It’s in my MOLD to practice my craft. It’s in my blood. I can 100% thank my parents for instilling in me the discipline and HARD WORK. From basketball to teaching to following my heart and chasing my career path to the next level, I worked HARD. My dad always told me “no matter how hard you think you are working, someone somewhere is working HARDER than you”. That stuck with me. I wanted to be the one working harder because when I faced you on the court next season it was going to be your ass I wanted to crush.

So what’s with this 21 days? I have met more people in my life with EXCUSES. It’s actually one of my PET PEEVES. I can’t stand excuses.

So 21 days gives you more than just a day or 2 to GIVE UP.

21 days really makes you stop, assess, look at your current situation, reflect, pause over what you really want it to be like and then make a really solid, honest, SMART GOAL.

Why 21 days?? I’ve read many many times that it takes 21 days to form a HABIT. So, for someone like myself who loves NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS, it’s also important that I recognize my strengths and weaknesses relative to my goals so I can accurately push myself or even know when to pull back.

WARNING: *heavy part ahead.

If you are in a “happy place” right now or need to stay in your happy place right now don’t let this distract you. Come back to it or just stop reading. I’m not always a goofball…. I can actually be very serious too.

SO…..It is also for this reason that I can confidently say that I will never commit suicide. It won’t happen. I spent my life wondering how people could do that but I never once talked about it. Every time I hear that someone did it- I immediately go backwards in a downhill spiral of PTSD. I listened to my mom talk about it. I even knew her plan. I never even told my dad but as it turns out I didn’t have to (another deeper topic I’ll be sharing). I sat next to a canal at 21 years old and contemplated whether or not being dead would be a better option. Still, I never talked about it with my parents or friends. Well- maybe a couple of friends KNEW. Because I actually did communicate. I talked to some people about it- Namely counselors and psychologists because yet again- communication. The reason I’m sharing this is because over the course of 21 days a LOT can change. My mom died on day 22 but your “HABIT” can also be LIFE CHANGING on day 22!!!! Communication is a key to HABIT FORMING. I believe this!!!!! I think you have to have some people in your life to share these goals with, to cheer you on, to call you out and also push you.

So if you are new to setting resolutions, setting goals, or even just communicating within yourself or to others where you want to be in 21 days……. I sincerely encourage you and HOPE that you can start TODAY. I’ve been silent for many years but I am filled with so much joy when I can help others understand and support others in their personal awareness of the complexities that surround the wellness of our mental and physical health!!!!

XO

*thank you for reading.

Someone very close to me told me that when they look in the rear view they can’t put themselves past some things. When I look in the rear view I often see my babies and my precious cargo. I fight daily to forgive any baggage that’s too heavy for me to carry and if it’s not worth holding onto because of the weight, I let go. Kind-of like the airport requesting that your suitcase be under 50 lbs…… be selective in what you put in and mindful of its weight.

January 3, 2021…… today is my moms birthday and I think about allllll of the birthdays I got to spend with her. I decided today it was time to spread some of her ashes at a beach I used to go to all the time in college.

My mom LOVED the beach and she certainly passed that down to us. I drank some of her favorite drink, put on my old boots and went into the water.

I was shaking. I knew driving in that she was really with me because I had to stop my car dead in the street to let some dear pass ….and that was her sign.

Pouring some of her ashes into a special vase so I could spread them was what really made me shake. I am not exactly sure if it’s what she would have wanted because she never made any of those decisions….. but since I hold them now I got to decide. I’m pretty sure she would have laughed at me. We loved to laugh at ourselves so when a little bit fell on my pants I figured that was par for the course too. ?? sorry mom!

I will tell you that it made ME so happy. She deserves that. True happiness.

I have shed some hard tears this week for you mom but not one today on your birthday- (she’s absolutely not the type of lady who would want me to cry.)

She’s the type of lady who taught herself how to apply nail polish by holding the brush in her mouth because she couldn’t use her right side. A true WARRIOR and tonight she rests a little bit more in peace within the most beautiful and calming place on earth……

Love you momma and wish I could hold YOU today and everyday…..

until I can squeeze you again in person……cheers to another year?

Xo

Oh and you know how LOUD the ocean is right? For a moment everything stopped and it was silent. There wasn’t a wave going OUT or a wave crashing in…… it was only a little moment but it was breathtaking. ?

There are a LOT of F words you could probably think of as it relates to the “F”s

Of life.

Initially I’m thinking of the Effs of life.

Then I started hearing the theme song to the “Facts of Life” but I’m thinking more about the balance of FILLING the CUPS in your life. If they aren’t balanced it’s impossible for YOU to have a FULL cup and therefor FILLING the cups for others and those around you will be…….

I M P O S S I B L E.

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

FIRST step:

Identify your F’s.

This took me 35 to 40 years. Lots of hours in therapy and counseling. 3 degrees and seasoned experience in loss.

Occasionally I’m adjusting but since I’ve been at it for a good 5-10 years- I’ve gotten better and better at identifying when they aren’t balanced; when my cups are empty. I’m at a much better place of regulating myself because I can self reflect on this NOW. Being able to Self Reflect is a true GIFT.

Here are my personal “F”s of Life.

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Fuel

4. Fab

5. Fit

6. Fun

I have 6 of them!!!! Within each one there are some different variables that contribute to the health and wellness of each one. Anytime that I have felt myself slipping it’s often because any combination of these F’s are “off”, empty or need a recharge.

My days are most fulfilled over and over again when these cups or pillars or buckets….. are FILLED!!!! Another F!

My upcoming blogs are going to dive deeper into each of these F’s. If you’ve never dug deeper into YOURs…..

There is no better time than NOW to do so!!!!!!!

Why? Because YOU deserve that. It’s the final quarter of a shitty year….. do it NOW.

Your Future self will thank you!

Xo

Happy 67th birthday to my dad in Heaven!!!  Not sure why that needs 3 exclamation marks. BUT In memory of him, I’m about to share some thoughts on what he left me in my life to swallow.   It’s a message I am sure he wishes I didn’t have to share out but I also know he’s proud of me for the personal development and the work I’ve done to cope with it. This is also a shout out particularly to all the dads I know from your “daughter”. 

My dad isn’t the only one out there who ended this way and he won’t be the last. It’s the 10th leading cause of death in our country.  It’s staggering that over 140 people a DAY end this way.  It’s a disease. It’s up there with cancer and stroke and anything else that takes lives.

 My dad finally listened a couple months after my mom passed.  He went to the doctor and told them he couldn’t sleep. He told me that I wouldn’t want to know what was going through his head.  He couldn’t eat he said. He was losing weight. He would spend hours walking around at Wegmans and couldn’t decide what to eat.  I helped him with meals. Brought them to his house.  Cooked for him at my house. Helped him with a schedule and a meal plan. I invited him over Daily.

Over the past 5 years I oddly developed what many people have affectionately referred to as my “wine wink”. Quirky yes. Surprising? No. I’ve always been quirky.

The old kindergarten teacher in me and the momma of 4 in me would tell you that it’s a sign of my love for you, meant solely for YOU and a non-verbal cue THATS everything ALL in LOVE.

Can you relate?

Maybe you aren’t a teacher or a momma and maybe you don’t even have kids…..

But have you ever winked at someone?

Has anyone ever winked at you?

My perspective has ENTIRELY changed and even though a message or words can totally be taken the wrong way, I still think the wink is often extremely “on point” and typically cannot be misinterpreted.

The wink to me is more of a “whisper” to anyone who catches it at this point ….. a moment of silence within the context it exists – almost like a “code”.

It’s a right of passage and depending on the context it can even mean……

“I got this” or “watch me”…..or “trust me” or “you just wait”.

For me……It’s also a sign of survival.

It’s a bad ass symbol of experience that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy but you want to boldly let the enemy know LOUD and CLEAR that it didn’t knock you down. That you are still standing. Still living. Still sending the “sit the eff down because I’m not done” message. In a world where sooooo many things can knock you down and a devil that won’t stop trying to knock you down….. it feels good to fight back.

In a very simple and quiet definition…..

The devil whispered in my ear,

“You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm”

Today I whispered in the devils ear,

“I am the storm”

Glasses up. Cheers.

Toast to all the bad asses still standing out there after the storm. It’s not easy – so don’t for one second think that it is easy. Getting back up

IS

NOT

EASY.

AND don’t think for one second that you won’t continue to be challenged and knocked down AGAIN.

But when that happens, remember all the storms you’ve weathered.

Remember that you’ve done it before and you sure as hell can do it again.

Get up.

Stay up.

Wink back.

Xo

Amy

I LEGIT never ever thought I would ever ever live anywhere other than Rochester, New York.

To this point;

I told my now husband when we were 20 years old and met in the Philadelphia airport that “this would probably not work out”.

He was from”Boston” and my home town was 400miles away. I was only “here” to play basketball, get my degree for “FREE” and GO HOME.

We lived in “my home” for 20 years and boy did he see a lot. I went from being the family gatherer and having my parents there as often as possible to burying my Dreams and navigating the ugly road.

The ugly road of grief. Suicide SURVIVOR and yes…. the ugly road of infertility, judgement, fear, and the worse of it all- Regret.

So with both my parents buried together in the same site- I realized QUICK without your parents this is hard. ReallyHARD.

I made it through for a while and”put on my big girl pants”.

But guess what? If you are anything like ME. And BOTH your parents are….Dead.

You change. Yup. You do. Because if you don’t you won’t survive.

You grew up your entire life and they were YOUr ROCKS. There for you in a HEART BEAT.

So without beating a dead horse-

I want to say this.

In high school. I learned to PIVOt. The ball was DEAD in my HANDS if I didn’t PIVOT.

Your entire life YOU want the ball. In your court. And I finally I had it allllllll lined up. But then the ball was DEAD. And unless I decided to PIVOT.

????

Guess what?

I die too.

And that’s not an option.

Not when you have 4 little babes who call you mommy.

So.

You pivot.

More to come on the pivot.

Xo

You know how they say;

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”

It’s so TRUE because it means that YOU are a FIGHTER.  

.

.

It means you got through something that could have taken you down but you didn’t let it. We are ALL dealing with some EPIC SHIT right now and whether you realize it or not- YOU are grieving. Your heart, your head, your entire body; all of it is grieving my friend. 

.

.

I was lucky I was there the moment my mom was intubated. She went from slurring, walking into the emergency room with the help of my dad and I to the point where doctors were scrambling around her and asking her if they could put her on life support.

WHAT?????? Asking HER???

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?????

Gasping for air and unable to speak- her eyes were so big and crying for help but she had no voice. My dad took some steps back in the room as the doctors continued to scramble around her. No one was answering the doctors. This was the first I ever knew about a DNR.

.

.

.

Very disrespectfully, I began yelling AT the doctors.

SAVE HER!!!! You HAVE to save her!!!! What are you waiting for??????

I was BEGGING them to help her and screaming “she can’t breathe!” Still unable to decide, I continued to yell, “she can’t breathe!”

…..what were we supposed to do I asked later? Just stand there and watch her die right there and then? Right in front of us AND DO NOTHING???? Suffer through every last breath?

….it wasn’t peaceful.

It was horrific.

.

.

.

I’m glad the doctors moved forward with the decision to intubate. Even though I went back and forth about it for years questioning that she suffered when it could have ended much faster. It was a quick decision. Doctors and nurses save lives….Within 3 hours, talking with a slight slur to intubation. It was so fast.

I’ve told this story before to different people. I’ve talked about it at length in therapy sessions. I had many discussions with my dad and the doctors. The details surrounding a patient in this condition are horrific. Honestly.

.

.

.

My only goal while she was in this condition was to help ease her comfort and bring her peace. I read scripture. I prayed with her. I told people who were too loud or eating in front of her to get the hell out of her room. I rubbed her feet with lotion. Her hands with lotion. I washed her hair. I sang to her. We laughed together. We cried together. I kept telling her she could do it. I kept telling her to rest her head in Gods hands. We did reiki. I had a cross blessed for us. We looked at pictures. I kept telling her I loved her. She didn’t want to die.

She didn’t want to leave this earth. To be honest though- who REALLY does?

No one WANTS to die.

.

.

.

A patient under “normal” healthcare circumstances is given TIME. Time to improve. TIME for family to visit. TIME to adjust. TIME. But there are deadlines. The horrible act of removing the fluids daily from the tubes so the patient doesn’t get worse with pneumonia ALONE is enough to make you lose your mind DURING THIS TIME. And CRY. For them. The agony and pain. YOU CRY- FOR THEM. For your loss. Because it’s coming. You are losing them. It’s horrible. It’s inevitable. AND the patient HAS to show SOME improvements…..BECAUSE The alternative?

.

.

.

The best thing I honestly think we can do right now because we cannot BUY time…. is to embrace the time. Do things YOU love. Work on YOU. Be YOU. Love on whoever is the only one allowed to be with you. In your quarantine. Love on them. There are no deadlines. THEY are whats most important. There is no time that you can measure because NO ONE KNOWS. There are no answers to this.

Looking for answers is just wasting YOUR time. Wasting the TIME you could be giving to the quarantined around you.

.

.

.

There is only one thing that really gives me PEACE looking back on that time. It’s not having ANY REGRET ….

in that time or the time I had leading up to it that I had to surround myself with HER. To just BE with her. With my dad. That’s all I ever wanted anyways. Regret could possibly be the only thing more agonizing than the intubation machine itself.

.

Looking back on your life and what you did and knowing you gave it the best shot you could under the circumstances. It’s NOT going to be perfect. Lower the bar. It doesn’t have to be perfect- no one is perfect. You just have to BE. Embrace the TIME and Just BE.

.

Knowing you could have changed something or prevented something is a hard thing to live with. Wake up giving it the best you can and at the end of the day knowing you did the best you could. If it isn’t good enough THAT is not anyone else’s position to judge. Don’t judge yourself up against others and turn away from judgement. You can let that go, too.

Tomorrow isn’t a promise for anyone and yesterday you cannot go back to.

Stay in the present because…. well you know how the saying goes-

it’s a GIFT.

XO

It’s pretty flipping fabulous that it’s not only a NEW decade, but people like me who were born in ’79 are entering their OWN personal NEW decade!!!! In fact there’s a LOT of people in the same boat…

if you were born at the end of a decade!!!

This is YOUR new decade!!!!!!

But wait. You get a grace year. To transition.

You see -last year when I was 40 I still felt like I was just at the end of my thirties…. and I still felt thirty something at heart. ???

But not anymore.

This is IT.

I am full fledge NOW in my effing 40’s.

I say that affectionately because I’m entering it in a way I NEVER EVER EVERRRRR IMAGINED. Only because when I was 30 I didn’t arrive there THIS gracefully.

.

.

.

I was SCARED TO DEATH.

“Scared to death” ironically is something my dad wrote on a piece of paper 6 years ago. Right before he died.

.

.

.

I entered 30 scared of what would happen in my thirties. I was already on “borrowed time” with moms health. She had a major stroke when she was 30 and again when she was 40. I was scared to death knowing that if she ever had another stroke she wouldn’t survive it. We all knew this. I was scared to death that I would have the same thing she had and have a stroke myself. And I was scared to death because I was already in very DEEP with fertility treatments. Something I WANTED TO DO. We couldn’t have kids on our own. Nothing was working. It was “unexplained infertility” they said. BUT…..I could tell this was possibly controversial or not completely 100% supported at the time…. including my parents. And I had always been a people pleaser to some degree- so I didn’t talk about it too much but in my heart I was scared I was doing something or possibly messing with the works of GOD or the Lords plan for my life.

I was an assistant principal in a large elementary school. I didn’t share it often….. but I was scared to death of “active shooters”, gunmen, mentally unstable people or anyone who entered my building who didn’t seem quite “right”.

Safety and security was my biggest concern.

ALWAYS.

But…….

What I have already learned to give up and leave behind in my thirties among MANY other THINGS…..

is

.

.

.

CONTROL.

More on this. Only because I have learned so much. I just have to share….

Xo

Amy