I’m half way through the 21 days of feeding my empty soul through the most important lessons that stick out to me on the daily; unscripted.
If you have a topic or subject that you would love to hear me address in the “second half” please DM me so I can sit on it and figure out if I can put it into writing.
More than LIKELY the topic you yearn is something I can relate to or at the very least help you navigate because we are never ever alone on our journeys as they may not completely coincide in their entirety there may be connection, peace and direction derived from a similar path that you find relatable.
We may be alone but never “alone” is a hard concept to grasp but knowing that the yearning to find someone or anyone that remotely understands or can listen and lend support in any capacity is powerful.
/verb/ cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.
SURRENDER by definition; surrender “alone”
I think one of the greatest fears in life is being “alone”. Never falling in love. Never getting married. Never having a child. Losing a parent. Losing a child. Losing a spouse.
Living alone.
Dying alone.
Being alone in the dark.
Being alone in a parking garage.
Being alone in a thunder storm.
Being alone in jail.
Being alone in a car accident.
Alone
When you think about it…..
Every time that you are stretched to be “alone” from your earliest age of your survival on earth you are being challenged to find a way to comfort yourself and make it so that being “alone” in whatever capacity you are in can work out for YOU.
::You’re alone in your crib,
::you cry,
::you wait,
::and you realize you are alone so you cry a little louder.
Let’s face it……you were put on this earth alone. Not one other person or thing can crawl inside of your skin, your heart or your head and BE YOU.
So ……from day 1,
You are unapologetically learning HOW to comfort and console yourself.
But then the reality of your environment begins to shape your thoughts AND HOW YOU REACT FROM EACH POINT THERE AFTER.
Your heart might need one thing, but because of the world that’s shaping you, your mind might become confused.
You KNOW what you need.
You ALWAYS knew in your heart what you needed.
But, because it wasn’t always clear to those around you and because of the environment that began to shape you, it was no longer BLACK AND WHITE to you in the practice of your existence in “being alone”.
The mind is tricked up. The mind is going back and forth between what the heart wants and needs for YOU verses what everyone else around you thinks and shares and says that your heart should want and need.
Some of us are “shaped”.
Some of us are “puppets”.
Some of us go on to lead a bad ass life of rejecting everything anyone ever says anyways to be good for us so it doesn’t matter.
But THE comes the day,
no matter what your past looked like, where yet again…….
You.
ARE.
Alone.
No one gets YOU. No one sees YOU. No one “knows” what YOU are going through or can see or feel what YOU are feeling.
…..and everyone just…….moves on.
They “forget” that you are stuck or don’t want to just “move on”. But they don’t stay there with YOU. They aren’t YOU. You are alone my friend.
Surrender 101: the sooner you recognize that you are in this space and time, you will acknowledge that yes you are alone and there is only one person that can “unstuck” you.
Only one mind and one heart that can help YOU put one foot in front of the other.
Surrender yourself as soon as possible so that you don’t miss out on what’s supposed to happen next……..
…..you do not need to move ON. You don’t have to worry about tomorrow. Just work on RIGHT NOW.
That’s all.
•The dead person you are missing doesn’t want you wasting your precious time on missing them. Trust me they feel honored that you do- that they meant so much to you.
BUT SURRENDER yourself.
The thing you lost. The job. The house. The dream. The boyfriend.
SURRENDER yourself.
Get comfortable honoring that it’s gone. Tell your mind. Your thoughts. Your heart.
BUT THEN…… acknowledge that you are alone and only YOU can open yourself up to accepting what will come from being in that space alone. You can stay alone in that space or you can look for help after you acknowledge that you have to help yourself. Your heart needs help. Your head needs help. Your body needs help….. and that’s totally acceptable and very reasonable to ask of yourself. This is YOU. Your journey. Your life. Your story.
Try NOT to resist it.
Work with it.
Make peace with it………
And be kind to yourself because this takes age,
Time,
practice
and YEARS
and YEARS of recognizing AND PERHAPS undoing or reshaping and then realizing that in the HEAT of being alone there are actually others out there who have been there too. Yes, you ARE alone, but it’s up to you on how you choose to surrender your heart and head.
Surrender and heal.
Trust the Universe my friend.
It’s your journey.
Keep going.
Don’t apologize if you constantly need reminders.
Don’t apologize if you fall down, again.
In fact you will fall down many times in this lifetime.
And that is OK but you better get back up. Sometimes it looks a little slower -but we always get back up. (That’s what we learn during those times of being alone.)
It’s too bad that at a very early age we aren’t assigned a “mentor” or a “life coach”.
Someone other than a family member or a coach or a friend but an actual PERSON that helps you navigate through LIFE.
Some people will pause right here and tell you that it’s God or Jesus or a temple that helps you navigate THROUGH LIFE. It’s really a bonus when these people see us through different phases, stages, ups and downs and ALSO knows our baseline.
….FYI…..I am not about to go there with religion,
BUT this IS where I AM going to take you on this post;
the path and journey of being
A
L
O
N
E
.
.
.
It’s a space.
It’s a stillness.
It’s the room your heart and head take up when no one else is there. It’s the chatter that you hear.
The truths.
The lies.
AND The tricks your MIND plays that we are not equipped to handle on our own because we haven’t had the practice of navigating it ALONE.
As a parent we are often quick to “FIX”.
We offer or give solutions and sometimes we don’t let the little humans sit with IT (the feeling) for enough time to really feel what it is and to allow themselves time to think for themselves which way to go next with it.
We intervene oftentimes very quickly and offer up solutions sometimes minimizing the authenticity and the reality of what is really happening in their heart and head.
I grew up in a super loving household but due to the nature and severity of what was happening around me- my reality……my feelings and emotions were shut down, minimized, discounted and I was forced at an early age to
get your shit together.
As I write these blogs, I envision my parents reading them out there in the universe.
I am ok with what they read.
I am also writing these for my children and grandchildren. I want to help them understand and have a better awareness of their heart and mind.
AND IF it helps some others along the way…..
Then I have achieved my purpose in life
You aren’t a bad person or a weak person if you are struggling sometimes or even every day with your heart and head. You actually are alone in your heart and head ….. don’t misconstrue this.
No One else can get inside your heart and head but trust me there is a reason for your current heart and head condition and I am here to honor it. To help you honor it. To acknowledge it IN YOU and then find ways to help your heart and head.
As these days of blogging “21 days of reality and realness” progress I am committed to making sure that I remove the “warm and fuzzy” from my narrative. The reason? Mostly because that truly doesn’t help anyone UNLESS you’re a child. Sometimes THEY NEED WARM AND FUZZY……
But as I remind myself of why I started blogging years back to begin with…. it’s so that someday when I’m no longer here OR perhaps just when my kids are old enough and mature enough to handle their roots- they have a better picture of what it entails. Because trust me when I tell you…….
This is the truth now-
I have lived a LIFE of sugar coating, portraying a life of the warm and fuzzy and pushing down the truth of what it really looked like. Because…. I believed that’s what everyone did. And per my dad quoting time and time again…….
This is HIS quote not mine.
Amy, no matter how BAD you think it is, it could be worse and a lot more people have it worse.
Interpretation as a 10 year old hearing this; suck it up. “Your problems” aren’t “real” problems.
Further interpretation; (and quite honestly more reason why I want to share and help others out there who are perplexed with this whole idea or scared that it could happen to their family……….
Stop minimizing mental health or any time that your child or loved one stresses to you or ANY ONE that they have a concern, problem, fear, etc.
OF COURSE you can read a book on it, of course you can become a mental health EXPERT…… but until you have lived it…….
Your opinion and furthermore your judgement needs to walk out the door.
Because STRONG PEOPLE COMMIT SUICIDE.
Again I’m not an expert at committing suicide however by definition I am a survivor of suicide because a survivor is one that is left behind. I am not about to debate this. If you are reading this and you have tried committing suicide…….. read on a couple of blogs from here in the future because the sugar coating isn’t going to get any more “glazed”.
Back to my point for this entry…… how do I know that STRONG People commit suicide?? Verses a stigma that they are perhaps…. weak?????
Here it goes……
Strong people with a very Strong Intent and purpose choose certain methods to end their life.
3 months after my dad killed himself- I sat in the office of a Greece Police chief as they shared with my brother and I the note he left, the “evidence” they took from our family home, and a few of the things he was wearing.
3 months after. That was the first time I saw what his final thoughts were. I had already been in therapy with my brother for 3 months just trying to come to any sort of grips as to WHY MY DAD WOULD DO THIS other than…… what everyone WANTS TO BELIEVE after my mom died-
That he loved and missed her SO MUCH DURING THE 4 MONTHS AFTER HER DEATH that he just couldn’t live without her.
I have since had 9 years of intense therapy. I have asked the questions. I have grappled with this and I have studied this and I have lost nights and years of sleep over this because that’s what happens when you do this to your family……
But with his birthday coming up
Next week I can very openly and truthfully tell you despite all of the fucking anger I had towards him-
He IS and forever will be one of THE STRONGEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER EVERRRRRRR MET. And for THAT I have so much respect for him, his life and for what he did. He was STRONG AS FUCK.
I apologize now for my foul language by the way. I was a kindergarten teacher before a became an administrator for God sakes but before that I was also a D1 basketball player and with that Comes a potty mouth. If you’re still with me…. thanks for reading and sharing “my journey”. If you know anyone who could benefit please share and please PLEASE know there is an easier way for help now…..
This week I will travel back to New York. My uncle passed away from a major stroke- just like My mom. He was only 61.
This picture was 4 years ago in Long Island. At my cousins wedding and I am
So beyond thankful for it-
I remember it like it was
Yesterday.
I just don’t think it’s “fair”. It also just rips open my heart because I miss my own mom and dad.
I was told by some very close friends before I experienced it myself that you can’t choose your family and sometimes your friends are actually closer to you than your family. I never truly understood that or believed that until my brother and his wife repeatedly chose their friends over our family- even when my parents were still alive.
Weeks would go by and my dad would say things to me like, “have you heard from your brother?” My mom would ask the same thing. He and his wife always had their own agenda and their lives came first. If you are personally reading this and it feels icky, it could be because you can relate but don’t worry about my my brothers feelings because he doesn’t care and he won’t read this anyways.
When I see my brother at this funeral for my uncle this week…….I am prepared. When my dad committed suicide 4 months after my mom died my brother and I started counseling together. Twice a week. His wife asked my husband how long it would last and his response was “for as long as they need to do it for”.
Our therapy together ended after I told him during one of our sessions 4 months later that we were pregnant with our 4th. (It took 5 years of infertility and IVF treatments to have our twins and incredibly Alexis and Brady were natural and a complete AND shocking surprise “gift”.
Al told me then that “we should wait” to tell his wife for a few weeks because low and behold they now after having their first child were having difficulty conceiving their next. (They now have 5)
So…..
I waited and he stopped
Going to
Counseling with me. I won’t go into any more details about that but our
Relationship ended.
Yes brother and sister-
It ended.
Fast forward to when I felt like I had to move my family closer to Matt’s parents in Massachusetts because I could not
Handle
All
Of
My kids alone. Matt was traveling a
Lot and I knew it would only continue to get harder. If it was hard for my
Closest family to
See me
When I lived 2
Minutes from them,
Then what difference would 6 hours make???
That was the reality.
So we moved.
And my brother didn’t want to see us for Thanksgiving, Christmas or for just a simple goodbye before we left in 2019.
Fast forward- yes he has 5 kids now and I have yet to have been told about their recent addition of twins. I don’t even know their names.
Someday my kids are going to ask questions about all of this and I hope to be around to
Answer them- but if I’m not-
This is why I continue this blog. I have learned a lot
About life. I have a strong backbone and thick skin…..
But…..
It’s life. It’s it
Is the reality …….and for so long I have been trying to help
Myself through this turmoil because I wish I could
Believe that this wasn’t my truth but it really is.
It’s
Ugly.
And this week when I visit The graves of
My parents and grandparents after I pay my
Respects to my uncle….. I’m
At peace.
I’m
Only
At peace because of the intense work I’ve done through understanding mental illness and undergoing my
Own personal therapy. It’s a long choppy road……
And as
Much as I wish I could smooth it over I can only do what’s within my
Control. I also consciously make an effort to remove negative influences from my life and will continue to do so because life
I spent a large portion of my life as a “people pleaser”. These are people who try to make every situation better and they often compensate their own well-being to make others more comfortable even if it means being uncomfortable. People who fall victim to bullies fall short of this. They take the hits because it either “feels” like it’s the only way they will fit in or they take hits because it’s easier than sticking up to it.
The thing is……. whether or not you ever think you were a victim of it in your past you 100% have to be aware of it in your future.
You have to recognize this when it doesn’t feel right either for you or someone near you. You have to be ready to get back up because the punches hurt. Some punches take a little longer to recover from. On the road, in the workplace, in your home, and sometimes when you thought you were in a safe enough place that it couldn’t happen…..
And this is your permission to pause. Every. Damn. Time.
You have to learn to see it, sit with it, and then go back out there saying YES to what is ok for YOU. Not for them or anyone else. You will make mistakes. You will be sad.
You may not even know which way to turn.
So pause.
Give yourself time to do what is best for YOU.
And this is perhaps my biggest take away. If you don’t give yourself the time and space to sit in that empty hole, don’t be surprised when life puts you there without notice.
It is inevitable.
My dad always used to say the only guarantee we have in life is death.
It’s EASTER. Society says you should “do this” and we should “do that” but guess what? You can also pause and shed ugly tears too.
It’s OK.
It takes courage to figure it out and to not just roll with the punches or pretend that they don’t exist. They WILL EXIST and you CAN get up…….and if you work on this as often as they roll you WILL get up….. every time.
em•pow•er /verb/ to make someone stronger or more confident
When someone smiles at you. When someone winks at you. When someone throws a compliment your way. When someone holds your hand. When someone tells you how much you have helped them. When you win something. What are some things that make you feel like you’re on top of the world? What are some things that happen around you, to you, that make you feel stronger and more confident?
I think it’s important for all humans at every age to identify this for themselves.…..because as we age “it” changes. Things that we once had in place that may have been an extreme source of empowerment may not be there FOREVER. What happens to us when they are gone are predicted long before during the days of hard work that we put in building strength and confidence.
So what we do every day, every week, every year each decade of our lives is crucial to becoming and making it long and hard through the days where it feels like there is no end in sight and equally long and hard through the days when our hearts are broken.
Finding the source of what brings us happiness, especially as children, teens and early adults, helps us as individuals identify our foundation that will serve us well into our days throughout life and bring us strength. As much as we try to mold others and influence what will give them that confidence, it’s through pure EMPOWERMENT that we can guide other individuals on that path towards discovering it for themselves and within themselves so that the essential essence and pillar of confidence is INNATE. A framework that seems “fitting” for everyone else or a “mold” that seems right for your parents, your community or our society in general doesn’t necessarily explain what’s right or most fitting
for
you.
Period.
Remember that.
I wish I could say that there is a framework to guide you. I wish I could point you to the answers. I would love to tell you that it’s black and white, clear as day and even give you the playbook.
But I can’t.
No one can.
No one ever will……
and this my friend is where the real WORK comes in. It’s WITHIN the moments when you are alone inside your heart and head and you have to actually listen to……. your own heart and head. Failure to nourish your heart and head through neglect or lack of awareness HOW with self love can be detrimental as it builds up or more likely breaks you down.
.
.
.
Listen to yourself. Learn SELF-LOVE. Study yourself and what works and understand what doesn’t. Then PIVOT.
I believe that years of therapy have helped me discover so much in this area and I’ve become intrinsically reflective. It only makes sense that you would after years of session after session in sharing and hearing back what was shared and analyzing it so that at some point you have the ability to recognize it and honor it on your own. I think that’s why asking questions, slowing down, allowing oneself or others to “pause”, honoring the feelings that are occurring and then reflecting and discussing their meaning are all powerful elements for growth and EMPOWERMENT.
Study yourself. Learn and GROW and embrace what works and let go of everything else.
I think you know how much I love you. I pray you always know
how
Much
I love you.
But over the course of the rest of my life with you I hope and pray that you love yourself even MORE.
Life isn’t pretty nor perfect. In fact, it’s FAR FROM BOTH but you fortunately may only see so much….
Sometimes as we grow and learn we either see “too much” or we may not see enough. To be perfectly honest, I saw too much. I don’t blame anyone for this but I know for a fact that I saw too much. I only know it was too much now because at the time it just was what it was and it wasn’t until looking back and seeing it play through that I realized that I needed help to get past it and needed support to let go.
That there is actually my point. When you are going through “it” you won’t realize it and you will push your way through because that’s the only way you know how. To PUSH. It isn’t until you have the chance to breathe and actually take a breath to step back and to analyze and acknowledge that “damn that was hard” – while I did everything I could to make it work, to establish any sense of normalcy and make the absolute most of my situation- you can look back with 100% love and acknowledge that it really is ok to not be ok.
Accepting, acknowledging, bridging peace and honoring your roots and your past ARE EQUALLY AS IMPORTANT TO LETTING GO AS THEY ARE TO LOVING YOURSELF AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE GOING FORWARD.
Baby I love you so
Much. But I pray that the love I see in you is as strong and resilient as the love you see in yourself.
“You have to love yourself first before
You
Can
Love
Someone
Else.”
I 100% agree with this.
Do everything for YOU that brings you JOY and HAPPINESS and love what you do and who you are and where you are going. It’s not always going to be rose glasses and peachy fun but keep in mind that hard things are worth the fight and nothing in life comes easy….. so embrace that piece that doesn’t come with ease and know that it’s purpose is bringing you closer to what you desire and while it may not be exactly how you pictured it to unfold- there is 110% a purpose and a reason and I love you…….
Find every reason every day to love yourself….. TOO.
I promise
You this…….find all the reasons and all the ways and remember what you send out to the universe you shall see again and receive.
I just realized I have committed to 21 days of blogging to prove a point to MYSELF first and foremost that a habit is developed after 21 days. I let my blog “slip” during the pandemic…… so here we go with less than 3 hours to spare.
Watch out. Watch your back. Be a defensive driver. Know who your audience is. Know who is following you. Etc etc etc.
You can ask my husband. I have always been the one to “watch out”. Always on high alert. More aware of my surroundings than I should have been at a much earlier age than I should have been because my exposure to it came much sooner than most.
Exposure? To what? …….L I F E.
I was the kid worried about everything. I think as an assistant principal this served me WELL because I was on high alert about every person that walked in our doors. I was on top of every custody battle, every court hearing, every person who checked in the “eat lunch”.
It also created problems for me as well. I never turned off.
If you know what I mean here……if you never turn off the job then you lack the balance of a healthy lifestyle and mindset. It caused major problems.
But watch out…..
Watch out for people who talk more than they LISTEN.
For people who steal your time or seems to monopolize your time.
For people who repeatedly make you feel less than you should. Those people are quick to judge and outspoken enough to point out your flaws or why you lack.
Watch out for these people.
Watch out for the people who tell you they are “so busy”. If they are your true family they won’t be “so busy”. I’ve learned the hard way and I wish I could say that I have learned from my mistakes but I haven’t. Hence why I share this in writing because it isn’t something that’s easy to recognize or swallow or overcome.
So watch out for that.
My biggest thing for this early in my quest here to share my thoughts 21 days straight is to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. Know your worth and watch out for
The lightbulb goes off the moment you realize that you CAN find all the tools you need but unless you can access them and hit them up during your most vulnerable AND DARKEST moments then they really aren’t worth…….$hit.
Tools are developed over time but sadly many people don’t know they EVEN have them or utilize them unless they have had the opportunity to recognize what they are and how much value they bring.
Your “tool box” consists of your personal mechanisms that help you navigate through each day of your life. Some of these tools are abused or overused and some of them are so simplistic we fail to recognize their role and importance.
In counseling, an example set of tools exists when someone develops an awareness of each of their 5 senses and can pinpoint for each one what brings them joy, happiness, peace and serenity.
Some people start with pictures. Others might need physical replicas. Furthermore if you can walk your mind through each of your five senses when anxiety or pain and trauma creeps in and then identify with the corresponding images that redirect and stimulate that “sense”….. you are utilizing your tools.
It sounds so simple and honestly simple is what it should be because during your darkest or hardest moments you need simple and immediate recognition to SEE you through.
So even if…. you can honestly say that you have no trauma in your life. Nothing that speaks demons in your mind and nothing that brings you down you can proactively prepare your toolbox with each of your senses so that when the inevitable occurs you can – to the best of your ability – cope and talk yourself through.
My example is this:
Eyes: I see a beach and water
Nose: I smell pine
Ears: I hear waves or laughter
Mouth: I taste …… welp I’m a foodie so I have a list when it comes to this.
Touch: I feel warmth and softness
Try it!!!!!!!!!
Make a list. Think about it daily. Let your mind travel and feel each of these tools that bring you peace.
Your future self will thank you someday. You can walk your mind through a pattern of thinking about each of these over and over to help Calm and redirect.
Xo.
Changing Lives One Day at a Time and One Face at a Time
